Why it matters? (revisited)

I, recently, saw Blue Valentine. I was bugging myself to find a copy of the movie anywhere I could, to a point of driving up to Wangsa Maju at 2 am checking out at a pasar malam there. I even almost wanted to subscribe to Netflix using GE's office IP address - stay up late in the office and turn on the Netflix. And I finally found it at Low Yatt - duh! It was worth the effort. Such stellar performances from both Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams supported by a talented kid, Faith Wladyka.

If there's only thing I've realized or found from this piece is how scary or frightening life could be out there. Brutally honest on the most possible reality in relationship of human beings, the piece offers a refreshingly honest perspective of situation in which "happily ever after" is hard to be sought after. An autopsy of a failed relationship (or marriage in a certain extent), in contrasts the giddy honeymoon beginning with the heartbreaking and wrenching sad denouement after dysfunction has devastated the groundwork of hope and newness.The whole storytelling, for me, is driven by a majestic performances and brilliant lines (rumors say that most of them were improvised, more credit to the performances). There's a great deal of intensity in the acting and some of the confrontations between Dean and Cindy are difficult because of the amount of feeling brought to their roles by Gosling and Williams. It is so packed with honesty of the actual character's feelings. Audience may say that Gosling and Williams are just being themselves, but i've gotta prove them wrong if they have done some acting before.

The kind of movies or piece of arts, I like to see, is the kind that leaves something in me after i walk out of the venue. It makes me think or question the reality of my life - note, it ain't just from dramas. Blue Valentine comes on like a bittersweet cautionary tale. A story, I supposed, I've gone through, not literally, close enough not to be able to pull myself out of it for quite a while. A searing portrait of failure of not just a wonderful and hopeful relationship, but more importantly, the love that once fueled it.

The two

Ghosts that we knew

You saw my pain, washed out in the rain

Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins

But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart

And you knelt beside my hope torn apart

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

And we'll live a long life

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

Cause oh they gave me such a fright

But I will hold as long as you like

Just promise me we'll be alright

So lead me back

Turn south from that place

And close my eyes to my recent disgrace

Cause you know my call

And we'll share my all

And our children come, they will hear me roar

But hold me still bury my heart on the coast

And hold me still bury my heart next to yours

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

And we'll live along life.

Lovers eyes

Love was kind for a time

But now just aches and it makes me blind

This mirror holds my eyes too bright

But I can't see the others other in my life

Were we too young and heads too strong

To bear the weight of these lovers eyes?

I feel numb beneath your tongue

Beneath the curse of these lovers eyes

But do not ask the price I pay

I must live with my quiet rage

Tame the ghosts in my head

That run wild and wish me dead

Should you shake my ash to the wind

Lord forget all of my sins

And let me die where I lie

Beneath the curse of these lovers eyes

There is no drink or drug I've tried

To rid the curse of these lover's eyes

But do not ask the price I pay

I must live with my quiet rage

Tame the ghosts in my head

That run wild and wish me dead

Feelings

It's been forever but it stays the same.
I guess it has never meant to be for me.
I guess nobody has never meant to be with me.

Kindest regards.

Peach

Bathing,

in the blossom

of our love,

I am suffocates by

its rotting.

It happens

that it happens.

When a man and a woman

first meet,

they are at their

kindest,

most polite,

most

considerate.

Never again,

from that moment on,

will they be

as sweet,

or will their

smiles be

as genuine,

or will their longing be

as pure

or as powerful,

as on that first

accidental meeting.

It is as although

a heart that falls

in love

were

a peach

at the peak of

its ripeness;

plump

and velvet to the touch,

but destined

to decay

and decay.

Would it that

the heart could love

a lover

with as much

conviction,

and as few

conditions.

as when it loves

a friend.


   by Yasmin Ahmad

Night rambling

Just got back from watching Side Effects. It was an expected twisted storyline with carefully-picked shots, colors, locations etc, by Soderbergh. Quite entertaining. Well, I went to BeBop for a bit for a glass of Duvel accompanied by superbly-amateur jazz band, including a violin-lady who was trying SO HARD to 'get into the groove' the whole time.

Anywho, I stepped into the apt and had this sudden smell of chicken soup that reminded me of Ramadan bazaar in Malaysia and the only song that came out in my mind was Hometown Glory. Then, my college life, my climbing addiction, my Vienna's chillouts and so on.

All of these pulled me back to read back my previous blog. Going through the posts, I, now, remember how I used to be. I was this person who was young, ambitious, adventurous, loving, and to a certain extent religious and naive!  And I used to pen-down ANYTHING I wanted to.

I have now become this person who tries hard to block or secure myself from anything that could harm me, which also translates in my little behaviors like writing. Mariana Fernandez, a stunning actor, once commented on a photo of mine that goes "Whereever you are. There. you. ARE." I truly understand what she meant, but there's so much in me wanting to go back to my college life.

I am rambling.

Nite!

All along

We were at the beach. It was not as sunny as we were hoping it would be. But, the excitement contained in ourselves, after weeks being apart, shunned the gloomy day away. We were trying to find the best spot to get two of those long-beach benches. Of course, taking price into consideration too. It is one of his innate personalities I, memorably, will never forget.

Satisfied with the bargained price, we got a decent spot. He kept complaining on how loose his swimming short was. I never really cared how bad he looked like. I had known him enough not to care the way he looked, but rather embraced his, sometimes, innocent heart, and tremendous generosity.

We dropped our stuff and dived into the sea. I do not know how to swim that make me always afraid of being in a deep water. It was terrifying especially with big waves. It was his nature of protecting and of making sure I was fine that pulled me into the big waves. Those, together with his mad face when there were a few surfers catching the waves near us made me felt really secured. I had never enjoyed being in the sea before that.

We lay down on the bench. He immediately fell into a nap. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever had that is to be able to feel I had everything with me, especially with him next to me, facing the long sea horizon in front of me together with the waves it carried.

It was a great blessing.

It surges out like an ocean tide

A human hand is made with 27 bones
some apes have more
a gorilla has 32, five per finger
a human has 27.
If you break an arm or a leg, the bone grows back together by calcification
your arm or leg can therefore become even stronger
but with a hand fracture it will never get quite right.
In every battle and with each punch you will think of it
you'll be careful
but once in a while the pain will come back
like needles
like glass splinters