Night rambling

Just got back from watching Side Effects. It was an expected twisted storyline with carefully-picked shots, colors, locations etc, by Soderbergh. Quite entertaining. Well, I went to BeBop for a bit for a glass of Duvel accompanied by superbly-amateur jazz band, including a violin-lady who was trying SO HARD to 'get into the groove' the whole time.

Anywho, I stepped into the apt and had this sudden smell of chicken soup that reminded me of Ramadan bazaar in Malaysia and the only song that came out in my mind was Hometown Glory. Then, my college life, my climbing addiction, my Vienna's chillouts and so on.

All of these pulled me back to read back my previous blog. Going through the posts, I, now, remember how I used to be. I was this person who was young, ambitious, adventurous, loving, and to a certain extent religious and naive!  And I used to pen-down ANYTHING I wanted to.

I have now become this person who tries hard to block or secure myself from anything that could harm me, which also translates in my little behaviors like writing. Mariana Fernandez, a stunning actor, once commented on a photo of mine that goes "Whereever you are. There. you. ARE." I truly understand what she meant, but there's so much in me wanting to go back to my college life.

I am rambling.

Nite!

All along

We were at the beach. It was not as sunny as we were hoping it would be. But, the excitement contained in ourselves, after weeks being apart, shunned the gloomy day away. We were trying to find the best spot to get two of those long-beach benches. Of course, taking price into consideration too. It is one of his innate personalities I, memorably, will never forget.

Satisfied with the bargained price, we got a decent spot. He kept complaining on how loose his swimming short was. I never really cared how bad he looked like. I had known him enough not to care the way he looked, but rather embraced his, sometimes, innocent heart, and tremendous generosity.

We dropped our stuff and dived into the sea. I do not know how to swim that make me always afraid of being in a deep water. It was terrifying especially with big waves. It was his nature of protecting and of making sure I was fine that pulled me into the big waves. Those, together with his mad face when there were a few surfers catching the waves near us made me felt really secured. I had never enjoyed being in the sea before that.

We lay down on the bench. He immediately fell into a nap. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever had that is to be able to feel I had everything with me, especially with him next to me, facing the long sea horizon in front of me together with the waves it carried.

It was a great blessing.

It surges out like an ocean tide

A human hand is made with 27 bones
some apes have more
a gorilla has 32, five per finger
a human has 27.
If you break an arm or a leg, the bone grows back together by calcification
your arm or leg can therefore become even stronger
but with a hand fracture it will never get quite right.
In every battle and with each punch you will think of it
you'll be careful
but once in a while the pain will come back
like needles
like glass splinters

Potent

Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

I have loved you so long

ANY CASE

-  by Wislawa Szymborska

It could have happened.
It had to happen.
It happened earlier. Later.
Closer. Farther away.
It happened, but not to you.

You survived because you were first.
You survived because you were last.
Because alone. Because the others.
Because on the left. Because on the right.
Because it was raining. Because it was sunny.
Because a shadow fell.

Luckily there was a forest.
Luckily there were no trees.
Luckily a rail, a hook, a beam, a brake,
A frame, a turn, an inch, a second.
Luckily a straw was floating on the water.

Thanks to, thus, in spite of, and yet.
What would have happened if a hand, a leg,
One step, a hair away?

So you are here? Straight from that moment still suspended?
The net’s mesh was tight, but you? through the mesh?
I can’t stop wondering at it, can’t be silent enough.
Listen,
How quickly your heart is beating in me.

A less defeating path

Falling to the ground
I was anxious to be found
You can always go home
To the safety of your cloud

All he wants

This song breaks me into bit and pieces. Again. What does it mean when people say their hearts are broken into pieces? It is that moment in between you can't hold yourself up together and your head is held up high; and you're totally down on the ground unable to move into the direction of happiness and anything that comes along the way.

Again.