The petals fall

I miss my stroll

I used to take a long stroll on campus, after regular evening-study for my FM exam, over mid-winter, where snow starting to get frozen plus chilly-wind blowing on my dry face. Starting from Greyhouse - my second 'home' after Purdue Memorial Union's Starbucks, I would walk pass Smoothie King, Brothers Bar and University Book Store, then taking the pathway along West State Street leading towards Harrison Residence Hall, getting into the hall to warm up the body and check out text messages, and continuing to cross Hillenbrand Residence Hall hitting Intramural Field.

This was where the walk got interesting. It was where the actual stroll would start as I would turn on different film's soundtracks on different evenings, dramatically, walking thru the icy-grass field. This scene portrays exactly what it feels like. (I seem can't get the embedded version). I do own that same long coat except that mine is gray-ish.

The last walk I had over my last winter in the States was with Evan, who suggested soundtracks from Pride & Prejudice (2005) - despite his reluctant on just staying at Greyhouse watching Moon & Tides performing. It was a 2-mile walk in 0-degree Fahrenheit. It was one of the coldest walks I've ever had and I felt bad dragging him along as he was the kind who liked heat. We didn't talk at all throughout the whole walk, neither holding our hands as we would do most of the time - may be because it was too cold to keep our full-gloved hands outside of our favorite triple-layer The North Face Ama Dablam Gore-Tex XCR's pockets, but what I like about it was that we seemed know where we were going to. The thing about these walks I loved the most was that I never specified pathways to take, but I know where exactly the end was (I think I was fully brainwashed by Twyla Tharp creative life - loving the process more than the start or the end). Though we were walking on the same pace side-by-side, Evan, not knowing where the end was, seemed to get along very well.

The end was at a lake, the one that cut by Lindberg Rd/ W 200 N. It gets frozen over winter. I was told by Dillon that that lake is safe to skate on if you could see the whole surface of the lake is frozen. I pulled out two pairs of skates from my backpack which I borrowed from Dave. It was my first time ice-skating.

I miss him.

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Neglected Tribute

And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That suck'd the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;
That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy.

Can I handle it?

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else . . . makes the rest of the world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is just to push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out, hope that is goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't out run it. And life always makes more.

Void

I found it rather funny, when the world betrays you, you come back to your comfort zone, which is exactly what i am doing right now. Back to my blog - my comfort. Putting my feelings and thoughts together. Accumulate them all and dump it all here. Or on something or someone else (perhaps there's one).

I went out to put my bet to the world. Betting on the most precious thing I've ever owned - my heart. Forgetting this place where I nurtured this heart. And people whom I ignored over that period of time exploring that world.

I took all the risk of breaking the heart or even losing it. It's all for the sake of getting something better out there, selfishly, or to offer my greatest treasure to the humanity (lame).

What was i thinking? Do i even have enough tools/skills in carrying this heart and putting it at risk? Before stepping out to that world, have I ever thought of these comfort zones, people or things who helped me nurture the heart of whom for sure won't do any harm on it?

What scares me the most is not my heart, but, people who helped to nurture it. A person who had sacrificed his whole entire life for it. Bones break. Organs burst. Flesh tears. I can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain. But when the heart breaks down, when I break down, there's no science, no hard and fast rules. I just go back to the roots and I have to feel my way through.

Cuando Callas...

Me gustas cuando callas...

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.

Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza :
déjame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.

Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

Not hopeful, but sure.

I could promise, to hold you, and to cherish you.

I could promise, to be there in sickness and in health.

I could say, till death do us part.

But I won't.

Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope.

And I do not stand here, optimistic, or full of hope.

I am here with you not to be optimistic, I am not hopeful.

I am sure.

I am steady.

And I know...

I'm a heart-man.

Take them apart, but put them back together.

I hold them in my hands.

I am a heart man.

So this I am sure.

You are my partner, my lover and my best friend.

My heart, MY heart, beats for you.

And on this day, I promise you this;

I promise you, to lay my heart in the palm of your hands.

I promise you, Me!

Well, that's what I am gonna say in our next meet. Hope it'll go well.

On another note, this song was recorded by two of my favorite female singers, Brandi Carlile and Adele. It does not accurately portray the actual event, close enough. Oh yeah, the song was featured in Grey's Anatomy once and Adele's new singles were the opening and closing songs in latest episode of Grey's.