Neglected Tribute

And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That suck'd the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;
That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy.

Can I handle it?

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else . . . makes the rest of the world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is just to push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out, hope that is goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't out run it. And life always makes more.

Void

I found it rather funny, when the world betrays you, you come back to your comfort zone, which is exactly what i am doing right now. Back to my blog - my comfort. Putting my feelings and thoughts together. Accumulate them all and dump it all here. Or on something or someone else (perhaps there's one).

I went out to put my bet to the world. Betting on the most precious thing I've ever owned - my heart. Forgetting this place where I nurtured this heart. And people whom I ignored over that period of time exploring that world.

I took all the risk of breaking the heart or even losing it. It's all for the sake of getting something better out there, selfishly, or to offer my greatest treasure to the humanity (lame).

What was i thinking? Do i even have enough tools/skills in carrying this heart and putting it at risk? Before stepping out to that world, have I ever thought of these comfort zones, people or things who helped me nurture the heart of whom for sure won't do any harm on it?

What scares me the most is not my heart, but, people who helped to nurture it. A person who had sacrificed his whole entire life for it. Bones break. Organs burst. Flesh tears. I can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain. But when the heart breaks down, when I break down, there's no science, no hard and fast rules. I just go back to the roots and I have to feel my way through.

Cuando Callas...

Me gustas cuando callas...

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.

Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza :
déjame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.

Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

Not hopeful, but sure.

I could promise, to hold you, and to cherish you.

I could promise, to be there in sickness and in health.

I could say, till death do us part.

But I won't.

Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope.

And I do not stand here, optimistic, or full of hope.

I am here with you not to be optimistic, I am not hopeful.

I am sure.

I am steady.

And I know...

I'm a heart-man.

Take them apart, but put them back together.

I hold them in my hands.

I am a heart man.

So this I am sure.

You are my partner, my lover and my best friend.

My heart, MY heart, beats for you.

And on this day, I promise you this;

I promise you, to lay my heart in the palm of your hands.

I promise you, Me!

Well, that's what I am gonna say in our next meet. Hope it'll go well.

On another note, this song was recorded by two of my favorite female singers, Brandi Carlile and Adele. It does not accurately portray the actual event, close enough. Oh yeah, the song was featured in Grey's Anatomy once and Adele's new singles were the opening and closing songs in latest episode of Grey's.

Humor-Impaired

This is what I've got to say about an insightful comments on my personality from a wonderful man I've ever met so far since Evan.

I have a capacity for humor but have been denying it, and suppressing it in my voice. I was repeatedly told by my family, friends and him that I lacked a sense of humor and do i ever feel bored out of it. I believed them. I am serious. I fall into the rut of a habit. My voice becomes controlled, terribly self-important and sounded arrogant. People rely on me for help, personally and professionally, so I become adept at a good discussion but isn't what you would call a barrel of laughs to be around. With this kind of voice, i felt, my opinions are worthy and carry weight. I act in a tolerant manner but sound like an intellectual snob. My voice says it all. I am the perfect specimen of someone 'humor-impaired'

Then, I am putting everything above in the past tense after meeting him. Those are my past. Thank YOU.

Did I mention that he's super adorable?

Updates!

I know it has been a while since the last post. It's funny that you're afraid of "saying" things online so that it'll come out properly giving the right impression to those who read it. Facebook stati, Tweets, FourSquare or even posts on your blogs. I get really cautious especially not having a full grasp of who are those people reading it. Anywho, here are some sort of updates (revelation!) of my life currently:

1) Resigned being a risk modeler! (Ah! How much I do not know if this is the right decision. Seriously!)

2) A new position at General Electric International Inc. as a Market Research Analyst (Corporate) (I am loving this so far)

3) Theater for Youth People at Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KL PAC) audition this weekend

- Ariel from The Tempest by Bill Shakespeare ("You are three men of sin!....")

- Man from Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang ("I was in the supermarket yesterday...")

- Tom from The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams ("I am going to opium dens...")

- Don't Explain by Billie Holiday.

Tim Howe, a theater instructor, a good friend of mine, whom I was involved in the creative process for his play recently, has got to say this; "Why you want to audition for such kids programme? You've got enough skills and experience to audition for an actual plays!". One thing about doing theatre in Malaysia is that the community needs to know you before you go for an audition for a regular play. You've gotta be Awie or Atilia to lead Lat the Musical, you've gotta be Nam Ron or Zahiril Adzim to be in Shorteyes! Look at who I am now? Yes, this is how I am going to start it. It's a 6-month programme that requires a full commitment. I am in it. (I've started to spell 'programme' with 'me'!)

Finally) I don't have to try so hard to have wonderful moments in my life. And now, I believe that God speaks to us constantly. And He speaks, not just with the words of the holy books, but also through the things that surround us; things which we see, smell and touch.

Ciao!