Not hopeful, but sure.

I could promise, to hold you, and to cherish you.

I could promise, to be there in sickness and in health.

I could say, till death do us part.

But I won't.

Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope.

And I do not stand here, optimistic, or full of hope.

I am here with you not to be optimistic, I am not hopeful.

I am sure.

I am steady.

And I know...

I'm a heart-man.

Take them apart, but put them back together.

I hold them in my hands.

I am a heart man.

So this I am sure.

You are my partner, my lover and my best friend.

My heart, MY heart, beats for you.

And on this day, I promise you this;

I promise you, to lay my heart in the palm of your hands.

I promise you, Me!

Well, that's what I am gonna say in our next meet. Hope it'll go well.

On another note, this song was recorded by two of my favorite female singers, Brandi Carlile and Adele. It does not accurately portray the actual event, close enough. Oh yeah, the song was featured in Grey's Anatomy once and Adele's new singles were the opening and closing songs in latest episode of Grey's.

Humor-Impaired

This is what I've got to say about an insightful comments on my personality from a wonderful man I've ever met so far since Evan.

I have a capacity for humor but have been denying it, and suppressing it in my voice. I was repeatedly told by my family, friends and him that I lacked a sense of humor and do i ever feel bored out of it. I believed them. I am serious. I fall into the rut of a habit. My voice becomes controlled, terribly self-important and sounded arrogant. People rely on me for help, personally and professionally, so I become adept at a good discussion but isn't what you would call a barrel of laughs to be around. With this kind of voice, i felt, my opinions are worthy and carry weight. I act in a tolerant manner but sound like an intellectual snob. My voice says it all. I am the perfect specimen of someone 'humor-impaired'

Then, I am putting everything above in the past tense after meeting him. Those are my past. Thank YOU.

Did I mention that he's super adorable?

Updates!

I know it has been a while since the last post. It's funny that you're afraid of "saying" things online so that it'll come out properly giving the right impression to those who read it. Facebook stati, Tweets, FourSquare or even posts on your blogs. I get really cautious especially not having a full grasp of who are those people reading it. Anywho, here are some sort of updates (revelation!) of my life currently:

1) Resigned being a risk modeler! (Ah! How much I do not know if this is the right decision. Seriously!)

2) A new position at General Electric International Inc. as a Market Research Analyst (Corporate) (I am loving this so far)

3) Theater for Youth People at Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KL PAC) audition this weekend

- Ariel from The Tempest by Bill Shakespeare ("You are three men of sin!....")

- Man from Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang ("I was in the supermarket yesterday...")

- Tom from The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams ("I am going to opium dens...")

- Don't Explain by Billie Holiday.

Tim Howe, a theater instructor, a good friend of mine, whom I was involved in the creative process for his play recently, has got to say this; "Why you want to audition for such kids programme? You've got enough skills and experience to audition for an actual plays!". One thing about doing theatre in Malaysia is that the community needs to know you before you go for an audition for a regular play. You've gotta be Awie or Atilia to lead Lat the Musical, you've gotta be Nam Ron or Zahiril Adzim to be in Shorteyes! Look at who I am now? Yes, this is how I am going to start it. It's a 6-month programme that requires a full commitment. I am in it. (I've started to spell 'programme' with 'me'!)

Finally) I don't have to try so hard to have wonderful moments in my life. And now, I believe that God speaks to us constantly. And He speaks, not just with the words of the holy books, but also through the things that surround us; things which we see, smell and touch.

Ciao!

Creative Impulse

Yes, it has been a while.

Super busy. Hong Leong Bank is making me crazy. Literally.

Last night I broke down in front of my colleague

at work because I could not take it anymore. This was the same reason why I chose to run away from a conservative scientific or methodological school t0 artistic world almost 3 years ago and I did the same thing last night. I decided to attend CHAI's the Art Instinct Series hosted by Instant Cafe Theatre Company. It was such a great talk from my new buddy, Jit Murad, and the lovely Jo Kukathas.

It's an essential talk if you are doing creative

work for living or just for hobby. Well, in fact, everything you do your life involves creative thinking. Jit gave a such revealing approach in where to start and how to develop it. It has always started with "Self", for Jit. Years ago, I had an elaborate chat with Yasmin o

n how to

create an art. We both came to an agreement that it's gotta be from "yourself". Jit's speech approved our agreement. He went on and on telling stories on how he created his work reflecting his personal life. He has a quite interesting life, according to one fella, but, not really for me having see

n different characters in my life, to be translated in his work. What fascinates me is the transition point, from reality to fanciful works. He was telling a story where he started to draw a star then make circles around it, which then looked like tornados, lonely ones. It then was transformed into a story where Jit was the stars and people around him are the tornados. There you go. You start it from your"self" then develop it, which also around your"self".

Then, Jo, took the lead. The transition point in Jit's story was explained in Jo's talk. She has such

a brilliant way of triggering creative impulses. According to her the ability to open your eyes to

see things, putting yourself the least judgmental position, and connect the dots appear in of you.

This exercise is determined on your sense of curiosity, which is sadly, often, being "blocked" in today's society, especially in Malaysia. Education, in its bad practice; and, the most dangerous and has been alarmingly increased, self doubt. This is actually a great advantage for me for having superstitious trait. It leads me to the point of creating things out of nowhere. Trying to see things a A LOT of different ways and not afraid of being bold to the point where people would ridicule. In the presence of creative people, this would not happen, but, then again, Self Doubt and Education.

Jit and I had a quick chat before I took off. A Northwestern graduate in Urban Planning and Sociology, this funny guy had only one thing to say to me, be brave and always trust your instinct.

The minor fall, the major lift

This song has been recorded by many artists from simple solo guitar composition to a grandeur orchestra, solo singer or choir. A singer-songwriter, musician, poet and novelist, one of the most celebrated artists of all time, Leonard Cohen was the one who composed this beautiful tune - there's a song-lyrics version of this.

I remember, me, walking across Purdue campus over a Christmas eve in effin cold Indiana winter tuning in to Chris Botti's Live in Boston playlist. It was the first time I heard Hallelujah. It is peaceful, mellow, simple, and very intimate for me, at least, personally.

Merry Christmas.

If

Have you ever felt that things are moving quickly relative to time when everything goes as planned? Have you ever felt that when you have no plan you're twisting and turning in an empty field that could be such a relaxing and chilling moments if that is what you're looking for (it's planned right?) also a moment of lost?

Today, I woke up around 5:30 and stared up to the sky as my bed is positioned facing three paned windows next to each on a curvy edge. I thought I was on a moment of lost. It could be in a recovery mode, emotionally. And the goal is total recovery - to come out better than I was before.

I got to the gym around 6:30. Got into the locker room, placed my stuff in the locker and started to warm up on the treadmill. 1 hour 30 minutes later, I found myself in a total stupidity (or blaming my mental sickness) on not bringing along my work clothes and shoes, after taking a shower. Putting back my boxer and running shoes, I drove back home to get the clothes. I NEVER forget such things before. May be this is what recovery mode doing to my routine.

Medically or psychologically speaking, some patients heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it's not until months or even years later that they realize they don't hurt anymore. So the challenge after any treatments is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that's a big if.

I wish I had a river

This is officially my Christmas and New Year's tune this year. You know that I like it so much. When I found it, I straight away send the link to your inbox. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

It's coming on christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
You know, It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I'd teach my feet to fly
Cause' I made my baby cry
I made her say goodbye

She tried hard to help me
You know, she put me at ease
And she loved me all naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I've ever had
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Cause' I made my baby cry
I made her say goodbye
I made her say goodbye