Where's my expiation?

It has been two days that I woke up in the morning having the crappiest feeling ever. I wish I didn't wake up at all, I wish I would wake up in 10 years after, I wish I woke up not knowing what has happened, I wish I woke up that everything stayed still and I could run to those moments I screwed up and fix them, and I really really really wish I woke up next to the greatest man I have ever met in my whole life.

But, there I go. Sometimes reality has a way sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long - or worst, lying to the only person who you care the most and who matters to you of all things. We are tired, we are scared, denying doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Sometimes the smallest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have change so much. And, now, you tell me when the smallest thing is the biggest thing in my life.

I am taking all in. Paying for all the consequences. Even if i have to lose the most precious things i have ever had to get that chance again, to be there again, to look at you again, to smile with you again, to hold your hands again, to kiss you again and to love you again.

When you kiss me, heaven sighs

Give your heart and soul to me,

And life will always be

La vie en rose

Twisting and Turning

Lightning - It may strike twice.

When we say things like "people don't change", it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science - always love my chemistry and physics classes. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. They way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like a pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like any moment, we can be born all over again.

why it matters?

I, recently, saw Blue Valentine. I was bugging myself to find a copy of the movie anywhere I could, to a point of driving up to Wangsa Maju at 2 am checking out at a pasar malam there. I even almost wanted to subscribe to Netflix using GE's office IP address - stay up late in the office and turn on the Netflix. And I finally found it at Low Yatt - duh! It was worth the effort. Such stellar performances from both Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams supported by a talented kid, Faith Wladyka.

If there's only thing I've realized or found from this piece is how scary or frightening life could be out there. Brutally honest on the most possible reality in relationship of human beings, the piece offers a refreshingly honest perspective of situation in which "happily ever after" is hard to be sought after. An autopsy of a failed relationship (or marriage in a certain extent), in contrasts the giddy honeymoon beginning with the heartbreaking and wrenching sad denouement after dysfunction has devastated the groundwork of hope and newness.The whole storytelling, for me, is driven by a majestic performances and brilliant lines (rumors say that most of them were improvised, more credit to the performances). There's a great deal of intensity in the acting and some of the confrontations between Dean and Cindy are difficult because of the amount of feeling brought to their roles by Gosling and Williams. It is so packed with honesty of the actual character's feelings. Audience may say that Gosling and Williams are just being themselves, but i've gotta prove them wrong if they have done some acting before.
Here you go. Usually, in your acting 101, the acting teacher will pass a handout pretty much like this -

Physical. What does the character look like? How do the character’s physical attributes play a role in the story? How does the character feel about his or her physical attributes? How does the character change physically during the story? How do these changes affect the character’s experience?

Intellectual. How would you describe this character’s intelligence? What does this character know? How does this character’s intellect compare to others in the story? Is this character smart enough to thrive in the world in which he or she lives? What does this character learn as the story develops?

Emotional. How does this character feel most of the time? How do his or her feelings change throughout the story? How does this character feel about himself or herself? When faced with challenges in the story, what emotions come up for this character?

Social. How does this character get along with other characters in the story? Who does this character choose for friends and why does this character choose them? Where does this character stand in the social order? How does this character’s social standing affect events in the story?

Philosophical. What does this character believe about the way life is? What are these beliefs based on? How do these beliefs affect the choices this character makes? How do those beliefs change throughout the story? Do others in the story share these beliefs?

And you'd be like me, 'Can we just get some acting goin on now. Read the lines and say it on stage. You say your lines and i say mine. If it doesn't sound right, let us know'. But, the teacher always knows better! That's what i just realized after watching this movie.

There are few scenes in this movie where squabbling happens between Dean and Cindy. It's one of those scenes where both people are in an argument that they are both talking simultaneously to prove the other is wrong. It escalates and bursts or stops. Classic acting scene. But, it ain't that easy. If you do not 'own' the character well, or answering honestly the questionnaire above and truly live under that imaginary circumstances, the lines memorized will be spit out like nothing or worst, you stumble on some words.

It's all because you are living as YOU, not the character. The character has history or those answers to the questions above that it'll make the words come out almost spontaneously. You will not feel the emotion perfectly and trust me, if you do not feel it, the audience will not feel it too! Unless you totally psyched by the character's life and fully 'own' it, it'll come out easily up to a point that you do not feel like you're just spitting out lines. Let say the lines go as "I didn't want to be somebody's husband and I didn't want to be somebody's dad, that wasn't my goal in life. But somehow it was. I work so I can do that". You've gotta believe in those words you say and you won't believe it until you know that you really wanna be a husband and why?, a father, why? whose father? whose husband? what it feels like to be those two? what about it you want them so much?

Gosling and Williams totally master this art - in fact, some of the same league thespians. When they pull out such scene, it feels like humanity is just lying naked in front of me. And when that is clear to me, the journey of the beings could be seen in the simplest manner but brutally sad!

The kind of movies or piece of arts, I like to see, is the kind that leaves something in me after i walk out of the venue. It makes me think or question the reality of my life - note, it ain't just from dramas. Blue Valentine comes on like a bittersweet cautionary tale. A story, I supposed, I've gone through, not literally, close enough not to be able to pull myself out of it for quite a while. A searing portrait of failure of not just a wonderful and hopeful relationship, but more importantly, the love that once fueled it.

The petals fall

I miss my stroll

I used to take a long stroll on campus, after regular evening-study for my FM exam, over mid-winter, where snow starting to get frozen plus chilly-wind blowing on my dry face. Starting from Greyhouse - my second 'home' after Purdue Memorial Union's Starbucks, I would walk pass Smoothie King, Brothers Bar and University Book Store, then taking the pathway along West State Street leading towards Harrison Residence Hall, getting into the hall to warm up the body and check out text messages, and continuing to cross Hillenbrand Residence Hall hitting Intramural Field.

This was where the walk got interesting. It was where the actual stroll would start as I would turn on different film's soundtracks on different evenings, dramatically, walking thru the icy-grass field. This scene portrays exactly what it feels like. (I seem can't get the embedded version). I do own that same long coat except that mine is gray-ish.

The last walk I had over my last winter in the States was with Evan, who suggested soundtracks from Pride & Prejudice (2005) - despite his reluctant on just staying at Greyhouse watching Moon & Tides performing. It was a 2-mile walk in 0-degree Fahrenheit. It was one of the coldest walks I've ever had and I felt bad dragging him along as he was the kind who liked heat. We didn't talk at all throughout the whole walk, neither holding our hands as we would do most of the time - may be because it was too cold to keep our full-gloved hands outside of our favorite triple-layer The North Face Ama Dablam Gore-Tex XCR's pockets, but what I like about it was that we seemed know where we were going to. The thing about these walks I loved the most was that I never specified pathways to take, but I know where exactly the end was (I think I was fully brainwashed by Twyla Tharp creative life - loving the process more than the start or the end). Though we were walking on the same pace side-by-side, Evan, not knowing where the end was, seemed to get along very well.

The end was at a lake, the one that cut by Lindberg Rd/ W 200 N. It gets frozen over winter. I was told by Dillon that that lake is safe to skate on if you could see the whole surface of the lake is frozen. I pulled out two pairs of skates from my backpack which I borrowed from Dave. It was my first time ice-skating.

I miss him.

check out the playlist

Neglected Tribute

And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That suck'd the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;
That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy.

Can I handle it?

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else . . . makes the rest of the world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is just to push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out, hope that is goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't out run it. And life always makes more.

Void

I found it rather funny, when the world betrays you, you come back to your comfort zone, which is exactly what i am doing right now. Back to my blog - my comfort. Putting my feelings and thoughts together. Accumulate them all and dump it all here. Or on something or someone else (perhaps there's one).

I went out to put my bet to the world. Betting on the most precious thing I've ever owned - my heart. Forgetting this place where I nurtured this heart. And people whom I ignored over that period of time exploring that world.

I took all the risk of breaking the heart or even losing it. It's all for the sake of getting something better out there, selfishly, or to offer my greatest treasure to the humanity (lame).

What was i thinking? Do i even have enough tools/skills in carrying this heart and putting it at risk? Before stepping out to that world, have I ever thought of these comfort zones, people or things who helped me nurture the heart of whom for sure won't do any harm on it?

What scares me the most is not my heart, but, people who helped to nurture it. A person who had sacrificed his whole entire life for it. Bones break. Organs burst. Flesh tears. I can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain. But when the heart breaks down, when I break down, there's no science, no hard and fast rules. I just go back to the roots and I have to feel my way through.

Cuando Callas...

Me gustas cuando callas...

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.

Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza :
déjame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.

Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

Not hopeful, but sure.

I could promise, to hold you, and to cherish you.

I could promise, to be there in sickness and in health.

I could say, till death do us part.

But I won't.

Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope.

And I do not stand here, optimistic, or full of hope.

I am here with you not to be optimistic, I am not hopeful.

I am sure.

I am steady.

And I know...

I'm a heart-man.

Take them apart, but put them back together.

I hold them in my hands.

I am a heart man.

So this I am sure.

You are my partner, my lover and my best friend.

My heart, MY heart, beats for you.

And on this day, I promise you this;

I promise you, to lay my heart in the palm of your hands.

I promise you, Me!

Well, that's what I am gonna say in our next meet. Hope it'll go well.

On another note, this song was recorded by two of my favorite female singers, Brandi Carlile and Adele. It does not accurately portray the actual event, close enough. Oh yeah, the song was featured in Grey's Anatomy once and Adele's new singles were the opening and closing songs in latest episode of Grey's.

Humor-Impaired

This is what I've got to say about an insightful comments on my personality from a wonderful man I've ever met so far since Evan.

I have a capacity for humor but have been denying it, and suppressing it in my voice. I was repeatedly told by my family, friends and him that I lacked a sense of humor and do i ever feel bored out of it. I believed them. I am serious. I fall into the rut of a habit. My voice becomes controlled, terribly self-important and sounded arrogant. People rely on me for help, personally and professionally, so I become adept at a good discussion but isn't what you would call a barrel of laughs to be around. With this kind of voice, i felt, my opinions are worthy and carry weight. I act in a tolerant manner but sound like an intellectual snob. My voice says it all. I am the perfect specimen of someone 'humor-impaired'

Then, I am putting everything above in the past tense after meeting him. Those are my past. Thank YOU.

Did I mention that he's super adorable?

Updates!

I know it has been a while since the last post. It's funny that you're afraid of "saying" things online so that it'll come out properly giving the right impression to those who read it. Facebook stati, Tweets, FourSquare or even posts on your blogs. I get really cautious especially not having a full grasp of who are those people reading it. Anywho, here are some sort of updates (revelation!) of my life currently:

1) Resigned being a risk modeler! (Ah! How much I do not know if this is the right decision. Seriously!)

2) A new position at General Electric International Inc. as a Market Research Analyst (Corporate) (I am loving this so far)

3) Theater for Youth People at Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KL PAC) audition this weekend

- Ariel from The Tempest by Bill Shakespeare ("You are three men of sin!....")

- Man from Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang ("I was in the supermarket yesterday...")

- Tom from The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams ("I am going to opium dens...")

- Don't Explain by Billie Holiday.

Tim Howe, a theater instructor, a good friend of mine, whom I was involved in the creative process for his play recently, has got to say this; "Why you want to audition for such kids programme? You've got enough skills and experience to audition for an actual plays!". One thing about doing theatre in Malaysia is that the community needs to know you before you go for an audition for a regular play. You've gotta be Awie or Atilia to lead Lat the Musical, you've gotta be Nam Ron or Zahiril Adzim to be in Shorteyes! Look at who I am now? Yes, this is how I am going to start it. It's a 6-month programme that requires a full commitment. I am in it. (I've started to spell 'programme' with 'me'!)

Finally) I don't have to try so hard to have wonderful moments in my life. And now, I believe that God speaks to us constantly. And He speaks, not just with the words of the holy books, but also through the things that surround us; things which we see, smell and touch.

Ciao!

Creative Impulse

Yes, it has been a while.

Super busy. Hong Leong Bank is making me crazy. Literally.

Last night I broke down in front of my colleague

at work because I could not take it anymore. This was the same reason why I chose to run away from a conservative scientific or methodological school t0 artistic world almost 3 years ago and I did the same thing last night. I decided to attend CHAI's the Art Instinct Series hosted by Instant Cafe Theatre Company. It was such a great talk from my new buddy, Jit Murad, and the lovely Jo Kukathas.

It's an essential talk if you are doing creative

work for living or just for hobby. Well, in fact, everything you do your life involves creative thinking. Jit gave a such revealing approach in where to start and how to develop it. It has always started with "Self", for Jit. Years ago, I had an elaborate chat with Yasmin o

n how to

create an art. We both came to an agreement that it's gotta be from "yourself". Jit's speech approved our agreement. He went on and on telling stories on how he created his work reflecting his personal life. He has a quite interesting life, according to one fella, but, not really for me having see

n different characters in my life, to be translated in his work. What fascinates me is the transition point, from reality to fanciful works. He was telling a story where he started to draw a star then make circles around it, which then looked like tornados, lonely ones. It then was transformed into a story where Jit was the stars and people around him are the tornados. There you go. You start it from your"self" then develop it, which also around your"self".

Then, Jo, took the lead. The transition point in Jit's story was explained in Jo's talk. She has such

a brilliant way of triggering creative impulses. According to her the ability to open your eyes to

see things, putting yourself the least judgmental position, and connect the dots appear in of you.

This exercise is determined on your sense of curiosity, which is sadly, often, being "blocked" in today's society, especially in Malaysia. Education, in its bad practice; and, the most dangerous and has been alarmingly increased, self doubt. This is actually a great advantage for me for having superstitious trait. It leads me to the point of creating things out of nowhere. Trying to see things a A LOT of different ways and not afraid of being bold to the point where people would ridicule. In the presence of creative people, this would not happen, but, then again, Self Doubt and Education.

Jit and I had a quick chat before I took off. A Northwestern graduate in Urban Planning and Sociology, this funny guy had only one thing to say to me, be brave and always trust your instinct.